Ah Gong passed away last friday, even though i'm not that close with him as i grew up, still couldnt hold my tears back as we send him off. Memories flow back when he talked to me during young, often speaking in hokkien, buy me toys when my mum wouldnt, carry me in his arms, just couldnt hold back the tears.

It's the first time i see my parents cry especially my dad and it really ache my heart seeing him cry as i can imagine the pain of losing his father. Seeing so many of my elders so upset is really a heart wrenching moment. Not just a saying but this make me cherish the loved ones more, we really wouldnt know when is the last day and really i wouldnt want to regret on that day. I hope Ah Gong is in a better place right now and everybody will feel better as time goes by.

Meeting the specialist in 2 wks time.

Had a rough year so far. Wish u were here by my side when i need u the most but seeing u living happier without me, perhaps i should just let it be. The dreams that i had, perhaps would never be fulfil.

I would rather lose a quarrel to you than to lose you over a quarrel.

Friends talked about u today, i just kept quiet. Unsure of lying to them and faking a smile or tell them the truth and face endless questions which even i do not have the answer. A part of me still holding on, believing things will turn for the better, if only u would change ur mind, if only u will realise, if only a little voice inside u just ask u not to give up. If only..

At least i can take console that i'm the reason causing so much unhappiness in u and not other matters affecting u.

It gave me one last chance to make u happy.

I hope one day u will find me, and remember what i once meant to u.

Now, all i'm left with is probably this space. The only one i can talk to right now.

So much beautiful memories as i read back this space.. life was so much simpler.

Used to have something to work hard for each day - our future. But now what's left?

Same place, same thing, different feeling.

Grab myself earl grey milk tea today. I never like it whenever i had it with u but i tried  it today just because i miss having it with u. It doesnt taste that bad actually.

Walked around aimlessly, just thinking what we would have done. We would have try that new cafe at orchard gateway make it our new fav coffee place because of its quiet location, go to the new i.t down there and rave how good it is, talked about the aape store how close it looked like the one at hk's, try the wonton mee store and just because it resemble something like the original hk one that we had.

I sat alone at the station and just thought of what happened in the past. Shouldnt have left u alone each time and walk away, shd have treated u way better.

Im holding on even when u have let go. Because what would i have left with if u were gone too.

My knee gave way again in today's match. Without any pressure or contact from others, it just give way.

Same injury in 2 mths. I just know that's it. Wont be in the game for 6mths to a year at least.

Despite their words of encouragement, what i needed was u and ur words.

I lost soccer. Cant lose u as well.

Back here after 5 years. So much memories flowing through as i read them all over again.

Blogging seems a past these days and perhaps is just what i needed. Less hype, more privacy, a secret dairy that i can look back easily at how i feel back at that particular moment. I feel it's a valuable thing, maybe my child can read these in the future. haha.

So where have i been these 5 years.


NATIONAL SERVICE

2009-2011 was in the army. Time sucks during those 2 years, always dreaded the book-in! Weekends always seem so shortlived. I swear Sunday is the most dreaded day of the week, Pasir Ris is the most hated place. Sunday night, super super hate it. But am glad that Joan was there, she would meet me every Friday/Saturday and sometime Sunday, making sure our time together was not wasted. I took it for granted that she was supposed to meet me, but now i understand it's not her obligation. She made that effort which i should be appreciative of.

Everyday without fail while i was in camp, she would also msg me, check on how i was coping with the training and we would talk on the phone sharing things that happened in our life before i sleep. I didn't appreciate it, didn't know the greatness of such little thing that she done without fail at that time, took it for granted. Now i look back, it's not easy for her to stay committed, not giving up during those 2 years especially when she was struggling with her Uni life. I didn't know how tough it was for her at that time, but now i do. No wonder so many couple didn't survive during the NS period. We survived thanks to her.

Of course this is my blog, so i should be truthful, say things that i usually don't have the courage to say or find it necessary to say. Typing seems so much easier for me. Seriously, i would like to thank my bunk mates for those 2 years. BMT period is the worst 3 months, so foreign, so tough thanks to those commanders who without fail would punish us at any given opportunity. I survived because it's still bearable and perhaps it's also the camaraderie that pull us through those tough times. I was in one of the toughest coy at that time and the deadliest platoon 4! When asked why so tough, they said they have a fearsome reputation to withhold! haha

Fieldcamp was the worst week ever. No bathe and out in the jungle for 5 days straight. Everyday, we would practice battle drills and kenna punish, what else. Tough when u consider u are out there in the sun/jungle/with insects for 120 hours straight! The defining moment is during midweek where we were transiting from jungle to urban warfare practices, after yet another one of the many tekkan sessions, we were given letters written by our parents. Awesome, my parents thought it's not necessary to write so i didnt recieve any hahahaha but our officer actually wrote or sort of photocopy a template of a very touching letter motivating us, reminding who and why are we training. It is to protect our love ones. I still kept the letter to this day though it's covered with soil and mud haha. Of course i teared at that time, man tears. lol.

'Tough time don't last, tough man do.'

The quote that makes so much sense, spur me on and complete that week.

Finally completed NS, could have talked more about those 2 years. It's the most eventful 2 years of my life. So much happened during those 2 years that will stuck in memories and talked about among those friends whom been through it together. No wonder they say army friends are for life. Felt i did and learnt more in those 2 years than i actually do in my entire life. hahaha


2011-2013

Went to work after competing NS while waiting for school to start in 2012. Work was not easy in the beginning as all know i was shy, not so talkative to strangers. Oh, worst fear during poly times was presentation! Now how do i approach and speak to strangers!

As time goes, work gets easier, u will realise it's getting repetitive so no fear or whatsoever since you can handle all their queries and questions. Soon i was getting more confident and not so shy. haha good experience i would say for me and one useful skill that would be beneficial for me in the future so no regrets and i get to wear raw jeans daily, my new obsession at that time!

School starts in June 2012 and ends at Dec 2013. Made a couple of good friends as we survived the 3 sems together without much problem.

Meanwhile Joan started work at an audit firm in Oct 2013. It was tough seeing her working so hard and struggling daily, not getting enough sleep and rushing deadline everyday. It hurts my heart as i wish i was in her place instead. Nevertheless, the least i could do is just motivate her and be there for her like how she was for me during my tough times. I started leaving her alone as she needed time to cope with her work and perhaps this is my biggest mistake as we started to drift.



I love her no matter what.